Me, My Sons and Instant Regret

Son A:  "Daddy, why don't you like Spider-Man?"
Son B:  "Daddy never said that.  Did you Daddy?"

Me:  "Of course I never said that - I simply said that as a superhero I find Spider-Man lacking in the goals department and therefore feel more inspired by characters more attune with their collective responsibility."

Son B:  "See I told you he didn't say that."

Son A:  "No he didn't, he said Spider-Man doesn't have any goals.  Goals are what we are all supposed to have, and Spider-Man doesn't have any."

Me:  "Calm down - that's not what I said or meant.  I just do not identify with Spider-Man's goals.  He is focused mostly on effecting the survival of the people of New York and I like larger scale goals."

Son B:  "See!  Daddy just hates New York."

Son A:  "Ohhhhh yeaahhh."

Me:  INSTANT REGRET.

This happens daily - without fail and I could continue on to the part where they get my point but it's just not as funny and it's ten minutes later.  Of my five children I find that the most calming of them is my youngest - because he lets me avoid this instant regret.  He's a year old.

I could try but I would fail to explain or accentuate the number of times I've been asked what my favorite comic book character is, or why I didn't like the X-Men movies, and if that means I no longer like the X-Men.

Kids have a habitual learning curve.  Questions are asked almost on cue to spur conversation and force you as the parent to provide them with the memory recall so that they do not have to actually think about a given topic.

Son A:  "Dad why is Deadpool inappropriate?"

Me:  "Because the movie is meant for grown ups.  Deadpool expresses feelings that are inappropriate for young minds."

Son A:  "So it's not appropriate?"

Me:  "No it's not."

2 minutes later....

Son A:  "Dad, why can't we watch the Deadpool movie?"

See what he did there?  He changed his question, and in turn altered the way it had to be answered thereby creating a conundrum in his own mind he solves by utilizing my voice and response so that he no longer has to open the filing cabinet in his cerebral cortex.

**I provide this disclaimer simply for those without kids who feel it's unrealistic to address a child the way you would an adult.  Bull.  I treat my children like small people - and in doing so utilize my vocabulary the same way my parents utilized theirs.  It's not really that scientific - we are who we spend our time around - and "goo goo ga ga" has never worked well for me in social circles.  So - next time your childlessness leaves you in a room with parents and their children - speak to them with the strength that your vocabulary provides - they'll surprise you and you do them an educational favor.**

When I had my first child it never occurred to me that I was making a little person that would be asking me questions, fast forward 12 years and that one child has four assistants that repeat his questions, and provide follow-up questions that could rival the ability of the national press during a presidential briefing.

Don't get me wrong it's a beautiful thing - but I'm complaining.  I'm complaining because they aren't currently asking me any questions nor are they within ear shot to know that I get overwhelmed with the incessant "what if's" and "what abouts" and the ever popular "when you were a kid".  It's similar to the Meme of the Mom hiding in the closet to eat a candy bar because she doesn't want to share her chocolate for once (Yes this happens - just don't tell my wife I told you all about it).

Deep down that Mom wants to share - but deep down she's also tired of it and would like a Snickers or Hershey bar to herself.  For me it's like that but with time.

Hopefully this never happens, because with free time comes wasted time - and as long as they occupy mine - I haven't wasted a thing.

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